Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
