just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Randomize
