Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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