It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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