So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize
