remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
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