I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
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