at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Who died my cat blue again?
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Randomize
