i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize