Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
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