Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Randomize
