Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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