Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
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