so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
