atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
