I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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