when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
