Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Of course I have a pirate flag
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
