you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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