I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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