i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Pants are for mortals
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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