Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
