Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
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