just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
