i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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