We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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