Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
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