my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
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I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
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