I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Randomize
