No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
where are my eyebrows?
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