in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
