I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
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