when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Randomize
