I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Randomize
