Yes, one should always join a cult. At least once.
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
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