the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
