so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
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