Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
its summer. and we all know college gfs do not count in summer.
college gfs dont count ever. theyre like getting corn rows in jamaica. you feel cool at the time. then you go home and people make fun of you.
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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