Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
