the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
