i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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