Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
