so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
