My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
