Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize