just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
Randomize
