I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
