At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize
