if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
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