He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize
