Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
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