Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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