I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
