Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
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