I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
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