someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
