She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Randomize
