sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Randomize
