Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Randomize
