Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
