I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
i may or may not be watching the land before time
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
