id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
