just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
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