I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Randomize
