hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I just had sex on a roof
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
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